Licorice Pizza; The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

Nostalgia is a weird thing. It’s the reason people my age somehow think the first Space Jam movie is good. However, in this day and age with the pandemic and general bullshit of the world it isn’t hard to imagine why the idea of being transported back to a simpler time is attractive.

Enter the movie “Licorice Pizza”. This movie was heavily promoted when it was set for a limited release in Los Angeles. Like many would be Hollywood blockbusters, people lined up to watch it. Hell, I even knew people who came all the way from San Francisco to Hollywood just to watch this film; only to proclaim it as a piece of important film making. Needless to say, I wanted to see it; it didn’t matter that I only watch about 3 movies a year, I really don’t care who directs what movie, and I actually find film buffs to be quite annoying. I wanted to be entertained. However, life got in the way and I never ended up actually watching it in theaters. But; on a recent trip to France the movie was an option on my plane and needless to say I was excited.

Now, let me get this out of the way here. This article is going to contain spoilers. If for whatever reason you actually want to watch this piece of pretentious garbage then don’t read ahead. Otherwise read on ahead. So first of all you may be wondering what kind of a name “Licorice Pizza” even is. I like licorice (I know, I’m weird), and I like pizza, given that there are no pineapples on it. But the idea behind a licorice pizza sounded absolutely revolting. I later learned per an interview with the writer and director Paul Thomas Anderson that the real life Licorice Pizza was a music store in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles in the 70s. The name was chosen because a vinyl disc is kind of pizza shaped and black. So, now you may be wondering, like I was, is this movie about vinyls, a music store, or perhaps the music industry? And the answer is no, not even remotely. In fact you see a vinyl once for like two seconds towards the tail end of the movie.

So now you’re wondering what this movie even is about? And that’s a good question that I wish I had an answer for. The plot, if you can even call it that, revolves around a 15 year old, not overly successful child actor named Gary Valentine and his love quest with a 25 year old, or 28 they go back and forth on the age a lot photographer named Alana Kane — and the various semi explored and never again mentioned antics they go through. So right off the bat the movie focuses around an illegal relationship. I was half expecting Trapt to do the soundtrack as that sounds like some cooky shit that Chris Taylor Brown would think of. With this fact out of the way I made sure that Chris Hansen was not on my plane as I didn’t want to have to explain myself. I know if this movie was the other way around where say Gary was 28 and Alana was 15 people would be outraged by this film; but no, somehow an illegal relationship is somehow cool if the boy is the underage one. I mean for fuck’s sake the actual ages of the performers were ages 19 and 30 at the time. Yes, it’s an age difference but at least it’s legal, just use their real ages.

So let’s get into the two main characters and why they suck so much. First let’s start with Gary Valentine. So Gary Valentine is an opportunistic shit head teenager who selfishly believes that because he thinks Alana is beautiful that they need to be together. There’s a lot of random scenes of him running and complementing the color of women’s toe nail polish. He lives with a single mother and attends high school, but also has a gig as a child actor in a few commercials and small productions. It’s worth noting that commercial actors don’t really make all that much money. Despite this, Gary seems to have unlimited fiscal resources which causes him to start several business ventures that seemingly end abruptly. He is also a regular and respected patron at several bars and restaurants. Of course, one of which is a Japanese restaurant which was quite controversial. I will discuss this in more detail. Gary isn’t really very likable or relatable, or even believable. He seems like a fan fiction self insert character with about as much charm a brick. Throughout the story he always is thinking of side businesses and get rich quick schemes. None of which really advance the story line in any significant way or are ever mentioned again once they are completed.

Secondly, you have Alana. The reluctant damsel in distress who just wants to figure out life. I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be 25 or 28 because both ages are mentioned throughout the film, and to my knowledge the movie doesn’t take place over a 3 year period. While she often plays into Gary’s ideas and swears that they are just friends even though they always seem to end up together. She lives with her conservative Jewish parents and she finds herself interested in more age appropriate men which ultimately end up either being atheists, jerks, or gay. Needless to say for many reasons her love interests never work out and then are subsequently never even mentioned and she comes running back to Gary. She does seem troubled by Gary being so infatuated by her, however doesn’t really even do anything to stop him; rather if anything she encourages him, even going so far as to exposing her breasts to him.

Now the reason I hate the film so much isn’t really the characters or the acting. In fact, I’d argue that every character played their role really well. Rather the movie just takes you down all these pointless adventures that end abruptly and are never mentioned again. For example during the water bed business bit they encounter a crazy weirdo named Jon Peters who is played by Bradley Cooper. This was the one time in the movie that was actually any bit entertaining. As revenge for Jon Peters being an all around sociopath Gary and his buddies flood his house and smash his windshield. There’s a cut away bit where Alana looks concerned as Gary and his friends jack off a gas can. And no, I’m not making this up. And you think maybe Jon is going to come back and teach them all a harsh lesson. But no. Jon is never seen again, never mentioned again, and ultimately the waterbed business disappears and everyone acts like it never even happened.

There’s also Alana working on the political career of a would be mayor — Joel Wachs. It’s heavily implied, though not actually said that Wachs is gay — and in fact the real life man is. As the movie takes place in the 70s where being gay was likely political suicide Wachs goes at great lengths to hide his orientation. At one point there’s a weird guy with a shirt with the number 12 on it. It’s implied he’s spying on the campaign and when confronted just meanders about acting like he’s not doing anything wrong — after which no one ever talks to him again. You see him once more when Wachs is having dinner with his partner as he’s standing outside the restaurant. But nothing comes from the confrontation, he doesn’t blackmail Wachs, or even really try to help his opponent, he’s just there for no reason.

Overall the film only seemed to appeal to boomerish movie critics with all the shitty Hollywood in-jokes and circlejerk references that only obsessed fans will pick up on. I wonder if it was some other director if people would see the movie for the slice of bullshit that it is. Moreover the unnecessary Asian racism where John Michael Higgins speaks slowly in an exaggerated Japanese accent to his wives just seemed really stupid. I get that yes, the 70s were a different time and people were more racist back then, but it seemed completely tone deaf coming off the heels of 2020 where anti Asian hate crimes skyrocketed across the US. While some argued that it helped paint his character as a baffoon, the execution much like in the rest of the movie was just cringey and awful. Between constant blue-balling by ending any plot twist the second it becomes mildly interesting, tone deaf jokes, lack of any real coherent plot, useless characters, useless story lines, and an age gap in the movie that seems to only exist to upset others I’m going to give Licorice Pizza a 0/100. I got way more enjoyment out of watching Morbius — and no, I’m not saying that to be funny, I truly mean it. If I had all the money in the world I would buy the rights to this movie and charge any service a billion dollars if they wanted to stream it, as an act of love so no one should ever have to sit through this garbage.

And no, I’m not trying to virtue-signal or cancel PTA / the movie in general just because it made me uncomfortable. I’m just sharing my opinion. It’s a terrible movie and there is no real reason anyone should watch it.